Of Cleavages and BUTT-CRACKS

First things first, I would like to thank all the women for successfully phasing out the use of “KAMISI” in the modern era. It had no role as at the 20thcentury.

I also relay similar sentiments towardsthe use of bikers being worn in unison with miniskirts. It is a very contradictory combination that as you want people to adore your thighs,you still laminate them with bikers. It highlights that you are a highly confused lady.

Having appreciated the grounds u have made towards eliminating redundant attires that used to reside within your pelvic areas, I would also
wish to caution excessive use of this freedom.

The rate at which women are displaying their BUTT-CRACKS is very alarming. Today morning alone I saw exposed sections of the rear-end of
three different women. If your jeans has a habit of conceding to gravity (sagging) without your consent hence revealing the equator /border that
separates your left and right posterior segments, please apprehend/restrict that jeans with a belt.

If the belts are weak, then hoist the jeans using a suspender. Women cannot just walk in the streets
aerating the artic sections of their asses and think it is very okay. Please note that cleavages are only alluring when it is restricted to the breasts.

I do not think we are ready to be introduced to cleavage of the buttocks

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PLACE OF A FRIEND 

We all have friends,people we trust and consult in whichever step in life we make. People we talk to before we change careers, people we listen even if we haven’t asked to their opinions on whom weare dating.But in this bond there are lines that should never be crossed.And that is the line of opinion on whom a friend decides to settle with.

I believe by the time one of your friends who is either your age mate or older than you decides to settle with a someone, they have thought and decided this is their choice.And as a good friend once the choice is made you have no option but to respect that.

You then stand by your friend in all times. She may have chosen a lame guy but  thats her choice, he may have chosen a girl who walks backwards but that’s their choice.

 Belittling a friends choice of a partner is just so wrong.There are those who will attend even the wedding just so as to continue talking shit.But the irony of it all is that the masters of such talk are always single,desperate with no hope of settling down.They find happiness in everyone being like the 

Your friends spouse maybe a prostitute, a thief, a low life according to you but maybe thats not how it’s is in your friends eyes

Cut them some slack and go start a relationship

A LETTER TO MAMA

 
Ive gotten older, Ive come to realize how the time spent with my family has gotten so minimal. Nowadays I’m out with friends, reading stuffs,facebooking working, or just hanging out in my room watching the newest episode of whatever show on Netflix.I seem to have forgotten about the people who got me to where I am, and Ive especially forgotten about the one person who pushed me to make me into the person Ive become, my mother.

It was once quoted that “life is short, there is no time to leave important words unsaid”. With that in mind, I would like to write to you in hopes that you know just how important you are to me while I still have the chance to express it..Well mama I should start by thanking you:
Thank you for bringing me to this world for raising me for the reprimands,the lessons,the slippers beatings,the guidance.Where would I be without you? You are the reason I  am able to write for you introduced me to reading story books early in life,I still remember all the story books you carried with you from school to our home.Through that I developed the urge to read, I read almost everything…My love for literature  was born from that. I am grateful 

Thank you for being my teacher too.. How you beat me in school and still laughed at it at home is still nostalgic,Do you remember in class three when you posed a question in class,you asked what was the Swahili name for ‘shorts’ the cheeky me said ‘kinyasa’The whole class laughed at me and do you recall mama the day I wrote a love letter to a girl  in class five,only the letter to be read out on parade in front of you because the girl in question didn’t find it amusing 😅

There is alot to write about you but most importantly the lessons you instilled in us as kids,You always insisted on prayers, told us never to go to bed without praying,i personally  pray but at times I forget, I am not sure of Gloria and Mark,try asking them when you get this letter 😀.Whatever good that happens in my life it is because you pray for us I am grateful

Mama I still remember Psalms 23, a verse that you introduced to us when we were kids “The lord is my shepherd I shall not want” We were young then but growing up the verse always pops up.You have always encouraged us to have faith in God.Thank you.

“Make friends, keep as many friends as you can for a friend will help you more than a hundred  relatives” I remember you telling us and for sure that will go down as the best advice to have ever received from you because I have made many friends and in them there is the spirit of “I am because you are… 

Mama,of late you have been sick,it hurts seeing you in pain,i would crack a joke yes you will laugh out but behind the laughter I see pain,No child would want to see his/her mother in pain, Every child has a wish,we want what is best for our parents we at times wish to build our parents bigger and better houses,buy them a car,i mean we all want what’s good for them,yes at times the dreams look farfetched but we have faith in them we will remain your children… 
Mama get well soon i want to see the smile,the beautiful laughter back on your face, long live and God bless you always mama… 

LADIES WHEN HE CLOSES HIS EYES…


Dear custodians of the oviduct
When you are mating with a guy  and u notice that he is trying to close his eyes during the session ..Do not conclude that he is closing his eyes because your labia minora is so firm/compressed that he is overwhelmed by the resultant friction

That is a man preparing to achieve moist hallucinations with some Beyonce/nicki minaj/Lauren london etc and he is just using you as a stage/podium ON WHICH he can attend to the said women. That’s why he needs to have his eyes closed; so that He can concentrate on cropping the likes of Meagan goods face, cut it, and paste it onto the homo sapien underneath him (that being you)

Any slight lapse in concentration is very disastrous because Beyonce can change to oprah real fast. That’s why a guy gotta concentrate. Women can close their eyes during mating because they are the recipients of impact..its natural. Even when a doctor is about to inject a patient with a needle..it is the patient that will close their eyes while anticipating the needle to pierce, not the doctor

The only time men legitimately close their eyes during coitus is when they are achieving orgasm. The moment being so sweet but short; It happens so fast, in seconds that a man has to close his eyes to savoir every millisecond of it. And i still ask, After creation,Where was Adam when the pig was negotiating for a 30 minute orgasm? damn it where was he?

so ladies, when you know that your man had his eyes closed during most of the session…after coitus, don’t appear to claim responsibility for his satisfaction with words like “did u like how i gave it you?”…say “did u like how WE gave it to you”., atleast in acknowledgment of other participants. Be vigilant ladies, be vigilant. if u notice he about to close his eyes on you…slap the shit out of him as it will not only interrupt his focus but his eyes will be wide awake to face his problems. Then some of you ladies like asking why most niggas like to sleep after sex…hehehe Most aint sleeping, He just needs some quiet time to be a gentleman and escort Beyonce back to MIAMI in his hallucinations.

#BROCODE

Boys will be boys … Bros will always respect bros .Boys have codes.. Brocodes .. You can’t break these codes 

#code one 

Never go after or date your bro’s exes.  Whether she says it’s okay, whether she shows up at your house in the middle of the night in a bikini. You are not to touch your bro’s exes. If your bro breaks up with his girl, act like you broke up with her too. Also, never go after a girl your bro is already chasing. If you both meet a hot chick, whoever makes the first move gets to keep going after the prize.

##code Two
If your bro hits on a girl and he is about to score and cheat on his wife or girlfriend, you are allowed to have one intervention only. You are permitted to remind him once of the bad choice he is about to make. If he tells you to go screw yourself, you are released from any responsibilities from that time onwards. You have done your duty as a bro. Pay for his drink and yours and let him be.

#codeThree
Do not, and I repeat, do not ditch your friends for a girl. If you made plans to hang out with your bros and you run into a girl who seems nice, make arrangements to see her the next day. Do not break formation and separate yourself from the herd. There are a few exceptions, though. If you are guaranteed a score that very day or in the next few hours, your bros must give you a pass. Proof may be required if any of your bros suspect that you lied about the guarantee.

#code Four
Your bro’s sister is totally off limit. It does not matter how hot she is; you are not permitted to approach under no circumstances. You do not stare at her seductively, you do not comment on her desirable features, you do not ogle at her and you do not dare try to have sex with her. Mess with your bro’s sister and you will find yourself in places you do not imagine of!

#CodeFive
If your bro’s wife, side-chick or girlfriend asks you any tricky questions about his activities, it is your duty to deny any and everything. You do not know who his female friends are, you do not know what he did last night, you do not know his current location and you certainly do not know if he is talking to any other women. You are to back up your brothers at all times even if his woman threatens your life. Also, you are not allowed to be close friends with your bro’s wife or girlfriend. You cannot meet them for tea or lunch or ride together to a church event. If your bro’s woman tries to get close to you, develop an anti-social attitude and get the heck out of there. 

#Codesix

If your bro is dressed horribly and his outfit could generate some level of disgrace for the male species, you are obligated to tell him that he looks horrible. If your bro shows up to the club with pink shoes, blue pants and a loud green shirt, you are responsible for dragging him out of the club and away from the public eye. If you are both rocking the same outfit, do your other bros a favor and entertain each other all evening. You are not to approach any bros looking like a peacock in public.

#Code Seven
If your bro picks you to be his best man, it is an honor. As the best man, it is your duty and obligation to organize the best bachelor party ever. You are also expected to provide your bro with anything he needs for his pleasure; no questions asked. As a best man, you need to understand that your bro is about to turn himself in for a life sentence. It is your duty to make his last few moments of freedom as enjoyable as possible. You are never to speak of any activities that occurred prior to the wedding. You are to take all of your bro’s secrets to your grave. Also, do not forget to confiscate all cell phones at the bachelor party. Your bro will not ask you to do this but you are not to invite his future wife’s brother, male cousins, nephews etc. to the bachelor party. Do not let your bro down and ruin his last moments of freedom

#Code Eight

You must greet your bros appropriately at all times. If you must hug your bro, make sure your chests do not touch. A hug can never come before a handshake. All hugs must be accompanied with a pat on the back. Hugging must last no more than a second; this is not a soccer match. If you develop special handshakes or greetings, stick to that routine always unless you both agree to make a change.

Break a code and bromance won’t be bromance no more! 

WE ALL KNOW THIS HAPPENS..

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The most difficult age for any man should be between 24 and 29 years, the pressure to be something, to be someone is so immense. When you look around you everyone seems to be doing something for themselves, people seem to be living a life you only dream of. You have applied for jobs and the results have been more disappointing than Besigye’s shot at Presidency.
Sadly this is the age when most guys lose it, the age when if not careful one is consumed by alcohol or drugs, because the disappointments become too much and you find alternative ways to face reality.
Worse is when a few people you studied with have been lucky enough to land jobs, soon your circle of friends gets thinner – mostly they don’t even cut you out but you be real with yourself and cut yourself off. I mean what you will do when you are in a WhatsApp group of friends discussing about last week’s trip in Zanzibar and planning another road trip to Kigali while you are not sure of what your next meal would be? Most times you follow the conversation silently, all alone like a cross on the grave. Soon you realize this is no longer your kind of crowd because the more you keep around the more the pressure to be something takes a toll on you. You know when stories about house parties come up and you act deaf because you don’t know where an extra 5 guys would fit in your house. Have you ever sat in a group of people discussing the new iPhone on the market or how British Airways offers shit services and you can feel your heart whisper to you “ boss this is chest pain hour, can we just go and find a group that talks about boda boda “. But you sit there as these people are lost in their lifestyle conversations, you are like a secretary taking minutes in meeting. You are totally forgotten like one of a woman’s breasts during foreplay. Once in a while one of the friends will turn and ask if you need another drink and you wonder if you should just say No and head home, but head home to what? So you grudgingly drop in the “I will have just one last one “lie.
But after a few years of job hunting, you are now ready to take anything even if is to smell a rich man’s farts as long as it pays , so you end up as an office messenger in one blue chip company in town. To imagine that 3 years of studying and getting a degree is now reduced to picking and dropping off letters and if you are not doing that , you are being sent for cheap lunch by the employees when they are broke and they can’t order with hello food. This is when conversations about where people schooled start, you go silent for it’s no longer of any use to say you also reached University, it doesn’t matter – you have resorted to surviving.
Once in while you will bump into your now well to do classmates they would offer you lunch, but not even eating the meals at caffesserie will make you feel better about yourself, because in your mind you wish instead they would give you the 30k and you sort your meals for the next 5 days. As it is the norm you will have photos taken, and uploaded on Facebook, but always it’s your face that would look odd one out – not even the best filters can hide a face which has borne the city dust and survives on boiled beans. 
The worst mistake you can do during this period is to try and date – there is nothing that a person going through such times can offer in terms of love. How are you going to do evening romantic walks when you are tired from walking delivering letters in offices around town? What are you going to tell your lady when she says she wants to go for Amsterdam for vacation?  That your financial religion doesn’t allow it or what? This is the age when you sit back and watch as the ladies you would want to date are dating or getting married to guys 10 years older than you. And you can’t blame them – it’s only that your life seems to be progressing slower than their goals in life. Most of the ladies you meet during this period, if you are lucky will be patient with you till you hit 28, and if by then your life is still in disarray like some football teams performance in the EPL then my friend be prepared for a walk out.
But then this is the age when you learn a lot of about life, if you can hack through this stage of life then boy you are the real deal. This stage teaches you a lot about perseverance, about appreciating the small wins you have each day, it teaches you something about friendship, love, career growth and personal responsibility .This is always your rise or fall moment depending on the choices you make. How you live your life in the 30’s is determined by how you handled your life in this phase.

And in the immortal words of Jay Z

“Fear not when, fear not why,
Fear not much while were alive,
Life is for living not living up tight,
See ya somewhere up in the sky,
Fear not die, I’ll be alive for a million years, bye bye,are not for legends, We are forever young
Our name shall survive
Through the darkest blocks, over kitchen

Forever Young

Photo courtesy of Slowbonga Gaboo & Weche Dennis

FOR THE LOVE OF LITERATURE

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Today i woke up with my mind travelling down the memory lane. I had to remember those novels and poems that i have read so far in my heydays. Those were the kind of novels which when you complete reading them you feel a little as if you have lost a dear friend,those authors you wish you would meet them in real life and shake their hands firmly
   Chinua achebe tops the list.. The reason i loved his books:simple language full of proverbs proverbs and proverbs. Anyone who claims to have studied Literature and can’t mention chinua achebe has no place in the literary world . Things Fall Apart,No Longer at Ease,Arrow of God,AMan of the People,Anthills of the Savannah &The trouble with Nigeria These are Achebes works that anyone out there must read
      Dan Brown’s Da vinci code is the kind of novel that oozes controversy like larva on a volcano. Its a must read. Ofcourse i have read other western novels bt Da Vinci still lingers in my mind
       Back home i have loved the following reads:Son of woman by Charles Mangua a story about Dodge Kiunyu a son of a prostitute, the result of a a five minute pleasure tumble in a back alley slum bed by a man his mother could never remember accurately after a drunken binge at a local bar. On each page Dodge is either sleeping with a woman or planning on how to sleep with one . The book starts thus

 “Son of woman thats me. I am a louse, blinking louse and am the jigger in your toe. I am a hungry jigger and i like to bite women beautiful women, women with tits that bounce. If you do not like the idea you are the least am interested in”
     My dear bottle and and After 4:30 are the other two novels by David G Maillu that i never put down after laying my hands on them in my papas archives. I had to read them after my lecturer then Dr. Kesero mentioned of the books being explicit in  nature. My curiosity grew . My dear bottle is a book of its kind a book on women, drinking and politics very explicit works of a humourist unraveling the problems of prostitutes, housewives and secretaries and blaming it all on men with unquenchable sex appetite. After 4:30 thus opens
                  “I like the way i sweat men with this. A man is like a sheep you see when he is inside you, you can tell him anything on earth call him a pig, a swine, warthog or sweetheart and he’ll reply Yes! Yes!     Trust me the book  keeps you glued on…
      My list cant be complete without mentioning Francis imbuga a man who who tells the truth laughingly. In his work especially betrayal in the city and return of Mugofu, i must admit were inspired by an irrepressible ” joie devirre”(health of enjoyment of life) I mean who has ever got bored after reading Imbugas works? His work has an infectious sense of humour that you cant resist. Imbuga cannot become a past tense He lives on. He was(may he rest in peace)some kind of a prophet . Despite his work being written in the 80s, it still resonates well with the current situations in our society especially with the Government. Betrayal in the city grips my imagination, most of the the characters are permanently ingrained in my mind .One character that strikes readers most is Mulili an illiterate soldier employed by the state and given a big post simply because the president is his cousin. Doesn’t this happen in our society?
     Through the character of Mosese Kenyans are reminded of the hopes they had in the youthful president Uhuru, the hopes in which most of them have given up on them . Mosese says “For years we waited for the kingdom of heaven and then they said it had come at last, but NO it was an illusion .. Kenyans are disillusioned.
  Waiguru and Aden duales saga can be likened to Mulili and Boss betrayal. Wasn’t it the other day that duale claimed he knows nothing about Waiguru after they were linked in a scandal … Yes he made a U-turn and said he never met her unless watching her on Tv. So what happened to mulili and boss. Mulili boss’ cousin betrays him and disowns him when the coup takes place. He claims that him and Boss are not cousins . Jusper asks, “He your cousin or something” He replies “Ohh No is never”
     Betrayal in the city remains a true reflection of the Kenyan Government and the sycophants that sorround the commander in chief. Imbugas drama of ideas will live on. His genial humour still communicates
   Literature and politics  are inseperable by the way as my good lecturer Dr Tunai Kesero would say  ” However powerful ones sieve may be,sieving literature from politics is as impractical and impossible as a jump over Mt Kenya!…        
     
          Cliff the great..